Taste of Ink
by my-write-to-be
Summary: Some relationships are easy, and some aren't. Needless to say, Remus and Severus were going to find their relationship to be of the harder kind.  Titles and summaries are the bane of my existence.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own characters or locations mentioned throughout. I do not write this for any form of monetary gain, simply to (hopefully) entertain.

**A/N:** This is going to be in three parts. First part is during their school years. The second part will deal with Lily and James getting married, the war and all that jazz. The last part will be during Lupin's year as DADA professor. I turned the Lily/Severus relationship a little on its head, and, though I love Tonks, am ignoring the fact that her and Lupin get together.

**Warnings:** Probably language, because teenagers are naughty that way :) May have some sexual themes later on, if I feel it fits. It all depends on how the story forms in my mind.

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><p>James and Severus never liked each other. From the moment they laid eyes on each other, they despised one another. It was something I could never understand. Sirius didn't help the situation of course, encouraging the pointless hostilities. And Peter, well Peter was Peter.<p>

Then again, it wasn't like Severus was the most likable person. He didn't exactly hold up a sign saying 'hi, let's be friends'. Not that anyone would believe him if he did. Outside of his Slytherin friends, no one really cared much for the pale, scrawny, young man.

"Why do you antagonise them?" I already knew the answer, I could hear the words in my mind before he even said them.

"I do not," he took a deep breath, calming himself. I was only trying to help after all. "I don't antagonise them. I didn't even say anything this time."

"Yeah, _this_ time." I muttered darkly under my breath, gently patting at a cut above his brow with a damp cloth. It was something I could have fixed with the wave of my wand, but I was in the mood to teach him a lesson.

"Why do you insist on using a muggle method?" His words were as soft as his touch, fingers gently wrapping around my wrist. "Magic would be a lot more efficient."

"Maybe I just want to get close to you." I joked lamely, pulling my arm slowly from his grasp. "Besides, it's not good to be completely dependent on magic."

Severus made a small noise in the back of his throat, pulling out his wand. With a flick of his wrist, the cloth and small bowl of water I had been using disappear. I contemplated giving him a dirty look, but I know that would only encourage him.

For a long moment there was nothing said between us. It was often like this. My friends would tease him, abuse him, I'd watch in silence. Once they left, I'd help him up, take him to an empty room and set about cleaning him up. Severus would leave soon, without a word. He won't thank me, and he definitely won't acknowledge me when we pass in the halls. No, I wasn't good enough to be his friend.

Not that I blamed him, not many people were too happy to keep the company of werewolves. Though, he didn't know that. We had been practicing this ritual for years, my habitual aid after he was beaten, and he still didn't know.

"Why do you do this?" His words surprised me. I would have expected him to have gone by now. Back to his friends, back to the people he trusted and wanted to spend time with. Back to people who didn't even care when he was bullied.

"Do what?" I knew what he meant, and he knew it. I was just stalling.

"Why do you help me?" My hands tied themselves together in my lap, a strange shock of nerves shooting through me. "Is it to ease the guilt of not stopping your friends when they target me? If it is, I'd ask you to stop."

"No, it's not like that." I said hurriedly. A little too quickly from the look on Severus' face.

"Then why?" It was easy to see he wouldn't believe my words, his mind already made up. "What could possibly make you want to spend time with me?"

"I," the words died on my lips. Blushing, I turned away, unable to face him.

"As I thought." He humphed. I listened to him stand, heard the door swing shut as he left the room. Sighing softly to myself, I followed his lead, deciding to see if Peter needed help with his homework.

* * *

><p>It was almost a month before Severus and I were back in a small classroom. Dust coated the floor of this one, the desks showing signs of disuse and decay. A cut lip today, from where Sirius' fist had met flesh.<p>

Nothing was said between us, no words entering the air as I tend to his wound. I had almost stepped in today, had almost prevented this newest injury. But once again, I couldn't find the courage to stop Sirius, or James.

I kept trying to convince myself they were only boys, that they would grow out of it. Even in our fifth year, nothing had changed. They hadn't grown out of it, if anything, they got more inventive and cruel in their treatment of Severus.

Though, Severus didn't help the situation. He always had to fight back, always had to talk back. Always had to avoid my gaze, silently telling me I wasn't even good enough to stand up for him. Good enough to save him.

"You want to know why I do this?" I hadn't meant to say that. I hadn't been planning on talking at all. Now I'd only give him more reason to hate me. More reason to scorn me.

I had finished cleaning his cut, my hands twisted in my lap once more. He had yet to magic away the spoiled cloth and leave, as was his custom. My gaze was trained on the ground. I had no way of divining his thoughts, and I was too scared to look up. I didn't want to have to see hatred or disgust in those deep black eyes.

For a long while he didn't answer. I was relieved, I didn't have to finish the thought. My heart raced, waiting for him to storm off again, and never accept my help again. By the time he did speak, I was wound so tight his voice made me jump.

"Yes." A single word, delivered in his usual monotone. Not very encouraging.

"I do it," I had to pause. _Just take a deep breath Remus_. "I do it, because I want to be your friend."

Awkward pauses, long moments after a big announcement, and the full moon, were my three least favourite things. Not necessarily in that order.

"You what?" The time it took for him to speak those words, it felt like an eternity. I had wished the floor would swallow me whole a hundred times over before he had opened his mouth. _Breathe Remus, just breathe_.

"I-I want to be your friend." I eventually chocked the words out, pushing them out past a sizable lump in my throat.

"_Why_?" The word was so incredulous, so disbelieving, I couldn't help but look up. My eyes met his for a moment, quickly scanning them for any hint of what he was thinking. The open confusion only managed to mystify me.

"What do you mean 'why'?" Not the best tact, but it was far better then blushing like a fool.

"I mean, why would you want to be my friend?" I had to admit, his words hurt a little. It was almost like I was stupid, for wanting to be his friend. Like I was a fool for feeling some need to form bonds of kinship with him.

"I don't know." I had had all the reasons planned out. The little list in my mind, always at the ready to defend my actions. That speech on the tip of my tongue to justify the need to help him, the need to be there for him.

"Don't lie to me Lupin." Yeah, that hurt. That tone, with so much venom, it could kill. "And don't bother trying to ease your guilt by helping me again. If you really wanted to be my friend, you wouldn't let those neanderthals treat me the way they do."

As I watched him go, I knew he was right. I couldn't honestly expect him to believe I wanted to be his friend if I wouldn't even stand up for him.

Sighing to myself, I made for the door, mind still caught up in all the things I should have said. I hated it when the perfect words came to me, always too late for them to be uttered. So introverted were my thoughts, I didn't see a body fast approaching me.

"Hey Moony, guess who I just saw." Sirius grinned at me, that same smile that told me he was up to no good. The smile that usually led to a detention or three.

"Hello Padfoot." His smile faded for a second, my unenthusiastic reply far from what he wanted.

"_Snivellus _Moony, it was Snivellus." The grin was back, along with a bark of a laugh. "And he was nearly running, as though the devil himself were after him."

Inside I froze, my mind kicking into overdrive as it pondered Severus' actions. Outside, my head nodded, my lips formed a pathetic attempt at a smirk. My feet fell in line with the long stride of my friend, following him after his intended prey.

It didn't take long to find Severus. Sirius had a strange knack when it came to tracking down people. I automatically attributed it to the dog in him.

I knew where we were going before my companion did. Severus had few place he liked to go, his favourite being under a tree by the lake. I couldn't count how many times I had watched him while he was under that tree, reading, completing homework, or just thinking, staring out on the blue water.

With each step, I wanted to tell Sirius to drop it. I wanted to take my friend back up to the castle. I wanted to be rid of the growing dread in the pit of my stomach. Mostly I wanted to avoid the moment where Severus would ignore me, silently proving he was right, proving I didn't care about him.

"Hey, Snivellus." Padfoot practically roared over the short distance between us, easily catching the smaller boy's attention.

Severus jumped, his whole body twitching at the tone used against him. He didn't reply though, didn't even raise his head. Instead his eyes remained fixed on the water. There was nothing else in the world to him, just the slowly undulating water.

"Snivellus, I'm talking to you." Sirius strode forwards, closing the gap between himself and his prey easily. He loomed over the seated figure, a feral grin on his face.

"Sirius, don't." I watched the way Severus jerked his head at my words from the corner of my eye, quietly squashing my joy at surprising him. "Come on, let's go back to the castle."

"Come on Moony, I just wanna have some fun." I kept my eyes trained on Sirius, who watched Severus, who continued to stare beyond us, as though we didn't exist.

"No Sirius," it was hard staying forceful with my friend. "Now come on, let's go."

"What's up with you lately Moony? Can't even enjoy a bit of Snivellus hunting these days without you getting your knickers in a knot." It took a lot of effort not to blanch at his words.

"Please Sirius, can we just go inside?" Resisting the urge to look back, I began to walk away. I had only taken a few steps before I heard Padfoot following, allowing me to finally relax.

* * *

><p>This time it was a week before we were back in a classroom. A dungeon this time. It was cold, dank and dark. Severus seemed quite at home. I couldn't stop shivering.<p>

"So, you really do want to be my friend." My fingers gently held his face as I cleaned some blood from his cheek. I hadn't been there to stop the fight. "I still can't understand why."

"You don't have to understand." Distracted by my work, my tone was harsher than I meant. "You don't even have to return the sentiment." I added softly as an after thought, my fingers slowing in their work.

We didn't speak again. Not even when I accidentally pressed a little too hard, and made his face scrunch up slightly in pain. Wincing at my mistake, I made sure to be extra gentle afterwards. There was no mention of my offering of friendship, which I took as a good sign. It was much better than him simply up and leaving.

Washing away the last of the blood, I allowed Severus to dispose of my tools like normal. For a long moment we simply sat there, both lost in our own slight rustling of his robes was the only warning I had, before the large door squeaked on its hinges. I gave it a slow count of ten before I followed.

The Gryffindor common room was blessedly empty that night. Not even James and Sirius could be found. It was only Peter and I for a long while, he had come back early from dinner and I had opted not to go at all. It was drawing closer to the full moon, and my appetite was suffering for it.

"Moony?" Peter sat beside me, a large pile of books in his arms. I made a small sound in the back of my throat, moving my own books to make room for him at my table. "Can you help me? I want to start preparing for O.W.L's."

"Sure." I resisted the urge to tell him he should have begun preparing months ago, it would only upset the small boy.

We worked quietly for a while, my mind pulled between my own work and assisting Peter. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence, my helping Peter, at least he made some attempt to study. Sirius and James wouldn't, they'd just use whatever talents they were born with, and wing it.

"Moony?" I'd never admit it, but the timid tone of Peter's voice always annoyed me. James liked that someone hero worshiped him, and Sirius was happy to put up with him as long as he wasn't underfoot, but Peter's voice just grated on my nerves.

"Yes Peter?" I was barely paying him any mind, my hands still moving constantly. One flicking through thick tomes, while the other took notes.

"Is that blood on your hand?" His voice became strained at the mention of blood. "Did you hurt yourself?"

"What?" Looking down at his words, I saw he was right. Amongst the black of ink, there were flecks of dark, almost brown, red. "Oh, I must have pricked my finger with a quill or something." It was a pathetic lie, and I knew it, but I wasn't about to admit where it came from.

I was saved from further questions by the sound of the portrait swinging open, Sirius' booming laugh saying without a doubt who it was. Wormtail practically jumped up, rushing over to the pair. Choosing to wait for them to come to me, I went back to my work.

"Ever the workaholic Moony." James laughed, sitting across from me. Sirius plopped down beside him, Peter taking his original place on my left.

"Prongs," Peter began, in that whiny tone that only he could use. "Moony hurt himself."

"Oh?" James turned concerned eyes on me, eyes I couldn't meet. "What? Did you run into a stray quill?"

"Yeah, something like that." I laughed, quickly showing them the dried blood mixing with fresh ink. "I guess I got a little too caught up in the study, didn't notice I had hurt myself." Laughing easily at my apparent misfortune, my friends went back to their own little discussion. It was so often I was there, yet not there.

I'd sit with them, laugh with them, but still I felt like I was in another world. My mind always in my books, or in the clouds. I knew it was my fault, I never really let them in. Shaking my head to myself, I refocused on the matter at hand. Exams, O.W.L's, that's what was important now.

* * *

><p>He never asked me. I would have told him, had he asked. I mean, a friend doesn't keep secrets. But no, he didn't ask. Instead he tried to snoop, tried to spy. And then Sirius got to him, and everything went wrong.<p>

Severus knew now, knew what I was. Knew why I disappeared every month. Knew it wasn't because of an ill family member, or some other pressing matter that took me away every full moon. He saw what I was, and I almost killed him.

If it wasn't for James, pulling him back at the last moment, I probably would have ripped him limb from limb. The thought made me shudder. I was furious with Sirius, furious with myself.

I almost killed my friend. Never mind how much danger my other friends were putting themselves in every month by coming with me. I was a beast, a monster, I couldn't be controlled. I had made James and Sirius swear they wouldn't come with me again, but I already know they'll break that promise.

There was no way I was going to face Severus again. I couldn't look him in the eyes and see that knowledge, that dark knowing look that betrayed what I was. My only option was to push it all to the back of my mind, and focus on exams. Yes, exams, that'd keep me busy.

* * *

><p>It felt good knowing it was over. Even as I gripped the exam booklet in my hand, the vague wish to read over it again nagging at me, it felt good knowing I could relax for a week. Following James and Sirius, we took advantage of the good weather and sat by the lake.<p>

James and Sirius quickly found the closest girls, immediately vying for their attention. Watching from the corner of my eye, I could easily track their every movement. Sirius' laugh, pitched just loud enough for the girls to hear. James running his hand through his hair, playing with a snitch. It was the same every time. Though James was worse if Lily was around.

The sun felt amazing. I could feel it warming me, sinking through my skin into my bones. My eyes slid close of their own accord, my head lulling back so that the warm rays played across my face. For a moment, life was perfect.

Of course the moment wouldn't last. Of course Lily would arrive. Of course James would notice Severus. Of course Sirius would encourage the 'fun'. Everything changed in a matter of seconds, the Marauders called to arms.

"Who wants to see Snivellus' underwear?" A flick of the wrist, a small incantation, and it was done. Severus hung upside down, glaring down at me. Was I meant to help? Would he accept my defence? I couldn't help but turn away, trying to pretend it wasn't happening.

"Put him down!" Lily, she always defended Severus. They were close, always had been. Though it seemed strained lately. I wasn't sure if I was happy about that or not.

Eventually James complied, and Lily was insulted for her efforts. Severus would never say thank you, it just wasn't his style. He hated needing to be saved. I couldn't really blame him.

Watching him walk away, I knew I couldn't be his friend. I couldn't hope to be anything other than someone he hated. And it hurt, it hurt me more than I could ever express.

* * *

><p>I was late for the feast, and I knew it. Peter had left with James and Sirius, the trio accepting I'd get there when I felt like it. For a long while I sat alone in the common room, thinking.<p>

"Remus?" The voice made me jump, looking around wildly.

"Oh, Lily, you gave me a fright." I smiled softly as she sat beside me.

"Sorry." She didn't speak again for a long moment, making me worry I had inadvertently upset her. "Remus, are you okay?"

"Hmm?" I wasn't really sure of what she was asking, though a part of me was sure I probably didn't want to answer anyway.

"Are you okay?" She repeated. "I mean, lately, you just seem, off." Lily trailed off lamely. Usually I would have brushed it off, her concern. For a long while I hadn't been too fond of the girl, not for good reason, but things change.

"I'm fine," I knew she could see through my false bravado. Damn woman intuition and all that. "Just tired." That was partially true at least, I hadn't slept well the night before.

"Alright." She didn't seem convinced at all, but I was grateful for the attempt. "Walk with me to the feast?"

Nodding my assent, I pulled myself off the comfortable couch. Turning, I offered Lily my hand, I was raised to be a gentleman after all.

* * *

><p>Five months. That's how long I managed to avoid Severus. I was pretty proud of that achievement, considering two of those months we shared classes. I sat in the furthest seat from his. I became extremely skilled in disappearing when James and Sirius would target him. Hell, some days, I even managed to eat when he wasn't in the dining hall. It was a sad thing to be proud of, but I was proud nonetheless.<p>

Of course this all came crashing down. James called _Snivellus_ out, and I had nowhere to run to. Sirius had begun to make note of my disappearances anyway. So Severus ended up with wounds that almost landed him in the hospital wing, and before I could stop myself, I ran to his aid. Right in front of my friends.

I had lost my mind, that was the only explanation. I threw myself to my knees, my wand and lips working in sync to clean the blood and mend the flesh. Severus watched me with wide eyes, as James and Sirius could only look on in wonder. I couldn't really blame them.

By the time Severus was as good as new, or as good as I could get him, I don't know who fled fast, him or me. Knowing I couldn't avoid James and Sirius forever, I decided to take refuge in the toilets for a while.

_You're being a girl Remus._ Unsurprisingly, my pessimism didn't help the situation. Thinking of an excuse for my actions proved futile, my mind spinning. My friends were going to kill me, I'd just have to face that fact.

The walk back to the common room was long and nauseating. I mumbled the password, having to repeat myself when I hadn't spoken loud enough the first time. As I predicted, I was expected, a small table in the corner with an empty seat just for me. Biting back a groan, I took the chair silently.

"Remus," oh yeah, it was bad. It was always bad when they used my real name. "We're just going to forget today, pretend it never happened, okay?" Numbly, I nodded, the relief taking some time to travel through my body.

"Good." Sirius gave a sharp nod of his head, apparently deciding the whole issue was now dealt with.

* * *

><p>It was barely a week this time, and for once, it wasn't because my friends had handed his ass to him. Severus actually talked to me, of his own free will. It was strange to say the least.<p>

Strange in how he willingly approached me, even as I spoke with James. Strange how he asked to talk to me alone, trying so hard not to return the glare Prongs was sending his way. I'm sure James would have told Severus where to go, if I hadn't agreed straight away.

We walked to an empty classroom, Severus closing the door with a small snap. I was worried, there was no point denying it. Would he yell at me? Curse me? Or would he thank me? No, the first two were far more likely than the last.

"Why did you do it?" Not exactly what I expected, but better than what he could have said.

"Like I said before, I want to be your friend." I shrugged, keeping my back to him. My eyes played along the wall, though they didn't really see it.

"Why?" Anger, not a good sign. "Why do you say you want to be my friend, when your companions make my life a living hell? Why claim something that is so obviously false?"

"I do want to be your friend." I was pleading, begging. I spun around, hoping he would see the honesty in my eyes. "I just thought, I don't know what I thought." I shook my head.

Silence, again with the silence. Long, drawn out. Eating at my courage, eating at my stomach. It caused my head to spin, my mind going into overdrive.

"All I wanted, was a friend." Frustration tinged my words. "Someone I could talk to, someone I could confide in and could confide in me."

"What about Potter?" The way he spat the name, said it as though it pained him, it was distressing. He hated James so much, I could feel it radiating off him. "Or Black? Or Pettigrew?"

"There are some things..." I couldn't help but pause, take a deep breath. "There are some things I can't discuss with them."

"Like what?" I had piked his curiosity, that much was clear. Whether or not he actually cared though, that was a completely different matter.

"Never mind." _Nice one Remus, say you want to be his friend, then refuse to open up to him. No wonder he doesn't trust you._ Shaking my head at my own folly, I tried to push past him to reach the door.

Long, pale fingers wrapped themselves around my black clad arm, not so gently halting my movements. Black eyes, darker than pitch, bore into me. I wanted to flinch from that gaze, break it from my own, but I couldn't find the strength.

"What has you so worked up, you can't even tell your rag tag friends?" His voice was dark and velvety, unknowingly making me shiver. Bastard.

"How do I know you care?" He wasn't the only one who could question a persons motives. "How do I know you won't take the information, and use it to make my life hell?"

"Because," the word was growled, as was the rest of his sentence. "I am nothing like that scum you call 'friend', Potter."

"Let go of me Severus." _Calm Remus, calm._ Surprisingly, he did as I asked.

"You never use my name." I hadn't noticed. I was a little shocked he had noticed.

"Severus," I breathed it out slowly, letting it roll over my tongue. "I- I don't know how to say this."

"Preferably with words." His answer didn't help, a fact I conveyed with a harsh look. "Come Lupin, you're a werewolf. What secret could you possibly be keeping that outweighs that?"

There was no need to hide my flinch at his words. It wasn't just that he mentioned my condition aloud, so casually too. It was more that he assumed nothing else could compare. And maybe he was right. Maybe I was being a fool, not giving my friends enough credit. I just couldn't help but feel, they had already accepted too much about me. I didn't want to add the straw that broke the camels back.

"It's obviously eating at you." Severus continued into my silence. "If it helps, I won't judge you. I owe you no less, considering." He gestured vaguely to himself, reminding me of all the times I had attempted to help him.

"Do you know why I don't follow my friends' examples, and lust after the female population so soundly?" Talking slowly, I kept my eyes on my hands, my fingers twisting around each other.

"I assumed because you had more class than the others." Severus snorted, a sound that shocked me. "Though, I'm guessing that's not the case." A low, dark chuckle pulled through his body. Yes, he knew now, he realised. "Does our dear wolf prefer a different touch to his friends?"

I knew telling him would be a mistake. "Bite me Severus." Again, I tried to push past him. Again, he stopped me.

"Don't tempt me," he leaned close. _To close._ My brain yelled, warning bells ringing. "Remus." That was it, I was gone. The way he caressed my name, it destroyed all chances I had at forming coherent thought. I barely registered how his lips met mine. If it wasn't for the small part of my brain still functioning, I wouldn't have felt the softness of his lips, or the warmth of his mouth.

I wouldn't have felt the way his fingers buried themselves in my hair. I wouldn't have realised I was kissing him back, my body sliding into autopilot. My arms wrapped around his waist, and to my embarrassment, I _moaned_. I actually moaned into his mouth.

It seemed like an eternity until we pulled apart. I don't care how cliche that sounds, it felt like forever that our lips were glued together. We were panting, our lips flushed from the mutual attention. I could feel his saliva on my lips, but I couldn't care less.

"Why?" _Great, he's going to think you didn't like it._

"You really are a fool Lupin." He chuckled softly, mostly to himself. It didn't help with my confusion, not one bit.

Still laughing quietly to himself, Severus pulled me close once more, laying another kiss on my lips. This one was softer, though no less passionate. It didn't last as long either, a fact I wasn't too happy with.

"Do you seriously think, I would let you touch me unless I wanted it?" It was hard to focus on his words, his lips and the fingers in my hair far more interesting. "Why wouldn't I just use magic, for such minor scraps and bruises? Why would I associate in anyway with a _Gryffindor_, unless I wanted to?"

_He has a point._ A small part of my mind informed me, the only part that wasn't focused on the way he was gently pulling at my hair. A soft noise drifted from my throat, encouraging the way he was stroking my cheek. Yes, this was nice indeed.

"Moony?" The voice made us jump, bodies flying apart. By the time James opened the door, we were on opposite sides of the room, backs turned to each other. "We're not going to make it to class if you don't hurry up."

"Coming James." I rushed to the door, afraid to look back, knowing if I did James would notice something was up. I was just lucky, and a little thankful, he was too busy glaring at Severus to notice my disheveled state.

"Wait," James stopped me as I reach him at the door, blocking my exit. "Why you so red Moony? He didn't hurt you did he?"

"It's fine Prongs," I allowed myself a quick glance at Severus. His eyes flickered between glaring at James and watching me intently. "I'm fine, he just wanted to thank me, for helping him."

"Huh, so Snivellus has some manners?" The disdain in his voice made me flinch, something Severus caught, though James didn't. "About time." With that, I was allowed to leave, herding James out before me.

I sent Severus one long, last look, promising him we would talk later. We had much to discuss.

* * *

><p>Things settled down for a while, in the sense that they found a kind of rhythm. Severus and I continued to explore our feelings for one another, finding them to be very strong, and of a physical nature. James and Sirius didn't let up their bullying, though they were less inclined to do it in front of me.<p>

They had no idea of the depth of the relationship I shared with Severus, though even they could see we were friends. With this in mind, they made a conscious decision to only insult Severus while I wasn't there, something I was grateful for. I wasn't fool enough to hope for more. Some things just wouldn't change.

Things were good, for the most part, and I was happy. I should have realised it wouldn't last.

* * *

><p>Another room, this time locked. No injuries, no cut or bruises to attend to. Just Severus and I, holding each other after a very nice make out session.<p>

I couldn't name how long we'd been together; unofficially dating. I was actually too afraid to mention it. I feared if I spoke it out loud, I'd jinx it, and it'd be over before I had really begun to enjoy it.

"You know, I always thought you had a thing for Lily." I wasn't sure at first he heard me, my words muttered into his chest. His nice, warm, not too hard, not too soft, chest.

"Is that so?" He didn't sound annoyed, which was always a good sign.

"Yeah." I has to pause for a second, distracted by his scent. _Love struck fool._ I reprimanded myself. "I mean, you two were always together, so it just kinda seemed logical."

For a moment I thought I had upset him, suddenly very scared I had brought up a touchy subject. The very real possibility that he had feelings for her wasn't lost on me.

"I was actually quite jealous of her." I continued softly. "All I could think was that she had you, and I didn't. I'm afraid it made me a little short with her a few times." I added with a weak laugh, silently hoping he wasn't angry with me.

"I do love her, Lily." I automatically pulled back at his words, only for him to tighten his grip on me. "I love her like a sister, something she can't seem to accept." He paused for a moment. "We grew up together you know.

"We've been friends for years. So you can imagine how awkward it was to have to tell her I couldn't return her feelings, because I wasn't so inclined. It was the same day I called her a mudblood, actually. The first time we ever had a real fight, and we'll probably never talk again."

I had no idea what to say, no clue as to what I could do make it better. My jealousy suddenly felt rather petty and more than a little stupid. With no other idea what to do, I pulled Severus into a tighter hug, hands linked together behind his back.

A small grunt, a wince of pain, and the smallest pull away from me was the first I knew of his latest injury. Letting go hurriedly, I gently pushed him back, hands searching for the source of pain as my eyes bore into his.

"Are you okay?" I knew it was a stupid question, but I had to ask anyway. "What happened?" Another stupid question, one I already knew the answer to.

"Potter and Black happened." My mind echoed his words. I couldn't help but flinch back at his expression, dark and hurt. "Your little friends got bored, and decided to jinx me 'just for fun'."

"I'm sorry." I murmured. I knew it wasn't enough, but what else could I say?

"Yeah, sure." He dismissed my apology, as if it was nothing. "Doesn't explain why you weren't there to stop them. They may not do it while you're around, but trust me, they make up for it when you're not."

"I'm sorry Severus, I'll talk to them." And I meant it, even though the idea scared me. The thought of facing my friends, and telling them the truth, absolutely petrified me.

"No you won't." I tried to speak, to assure him I would. He wouldn't let me. "No, you'll pretend nothing happened.

"You'll go on being ashamed of me, refusing to acknowledge me in the halls, using me. I'll just keep being your- your fuck buddy, instead of your boyfriend." There was a stinging in my eyes. It took me a moment to realise it was tears. "You won't tell your friends about us. You won't hold my hand as we walk to class, or kiss me in the hall, not that I'd want you to."

"Severus, please." He turned away from me, effectively pulling himself from my arms.

"No Lupin," he hadn't called me Lupin since we first kissed. "You think I don't see? You think I don't know? You don't want me, you never did. I'm probably just a substitute for Potter, or even Black."

He was at the door before I could stop him. Tears were flowing freely down my face, coating my cheeks. I should have known, I should have realised. I thought he knew, how I felt about him. I thought he knew how badly I wanted to be able to hold him in the open, kiss him without worrying who could see.

"Lupin," I never knew he could say my name with so much anger and disgust. "Don't ever come near me again, or it'll be the last thing you do."

I'd love to say that was the last time I ever saw Severus, but I had another year and a half to suffer through. He never looked me in the eyes again, those black orbs constantly denied to me.

I'd also love to say I got over him, but it was more than a little hard to, considering James never gave up making his life hell. It didn't help that Sirius had found me in tears, after Severus had left, and had, rightly, laid the blame at his feet. Once James had been told, his hatred for Severus only seemed to deepen. They never knew the true reason behind my tears, they only had to know they were caused by Severus.

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><p><strong>AN:** I'm currently working on part 2, and I'll post it if it's wanted. Then again, I'll probably post it if it's not wanted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Obviously, I don't own, if I did Severus wouldn't die. But then again, he probably would, because I'm a bad, evil writer.

**Warnings:** Again, some swearing, and some suggestive sexual content.

**A/N:** This is actually my first fanfic, so when I got a lovely review from PikkaTay, it totally made my day. Anyway, this section deals with the war and everything pretty much up until the fall of Voldemort. It has a different perspective to the first part, and is a little shorter than I was hoping, but it kinda felt like the right place to wrap it up.  
>Oh, I tried to keep the characters as realistic as possible (well, as realistic as a fan can), so if they seem like they're doing something out of character, it's probably just because I interpret them differently. So, enjoy ^.^<p>

* * *

><p>Even as I questioned why I was here, my brain supplied the list of reasons. Lily had asked me. The Dark Lord wanted the chance at some inside information. I wanted to see a certain pair of forest brown eyes. <em>No, you are <em>not_ here for _him_. You're here to gather some information._

I would sit through the ceremony, watch the look on Potter's face as I congratulated the happy couple, and then leave. I wouldn't talk to anyone, not that there was anyone who would want to talk to me. I'd accept the punishment the Dark Lord would deal me, for a lack of information I couldn't really help, and I would put the whole day behind me. Well, that was the plan at least.

Once the service was over, a part of me reminding myself _not_ to smile, I retreated to the darkest corner I could find. I didn't eat the food served, and only drank the alcohol, because, well, I was never one to say no to alcohol. I was hoping, drunk at least, the night would go by faster.

I think Lily came to talk to me at one point, Potter hanging off her arm. It was funny to watch him pull at her, trying oh so subtly, and failing, to drag her away from me. I probably smirked at him, but my mind was already muddled by drink at this point. I vaguely remembered congratulating Lily, expressing my happiness for her. I always remember the way Potter had scoffed at that.

She looked well, blessedly happy in a time of such sadness. Her skin held the glow of all expecting mothers, her stomach already plump with her growing child. Some would have thought this wedding was because of the life forming inside her, but more knew it had all been inevitable. It was just chance that Lily fell pregnant before time was found for a wedding. Sex was far more accessible in war than weddings.

Thankfully, I was left alone after that. Even Black had the manners to ignore me, rather than starting the fight we were both itching for. It was amusing watching the guests try so hard to ignore me, muttering behind their hands their indignation at my being there. Then they'd remind themselves it was due to Lily's kindness, inviting the man that had always loved her, as they believed.

Downing another drink, I had lost track of what exactly it was that I was getting drunk off, I scowled around the room. My eyes automatically slid over a certain form, the habit of avoiding _that_ person so deeply ingrained, it still applied years later. Unfortunately, he had seen me.

The waiters knew to keep me well supplied, so I was able to take another swing of something that tasted vaguely like wine, before _he_ made it to my table. At first he sat silently at my side, following my lead and staring out at the other guests. I hoped vainly he'd just leave, and not stir up pain I wasn't willing to face.

"Severus." My hand twitched, but that was the only reaction I would give. "I've missed you." Even in my drunken haze, I knew how to bite my tongue.

"Fuck off." Slurred words, my mind giving orders my body was ignoring. Yeah, I was drunk. "Just fuck off."

"Please Severus-" I couldn't let him finish.

"No Remus." _Oops_. The thought vague, dull around the edges. I hadn't meant to use his name. "I won't let you break my heart again." Rising to my feet, I gripped the table for a second to make sure I didn't fall. Counting carefully to ten in my mind, though it took me a few tries, I pushed myself away from that damn _werewolf_.

"Severus, wait." The words were quiet, but the tone was pleading. I half expected him to follow me, and insist on helping me home. The idiot was like that, always trying to be of use, even when he wasn't wanted.

I wouldn't admit I was a little disappointed when I was able to apparate home without being stopped. The fact that I could have killed myself, or done some serious damage, in the process didn't quite register. Stumbling through the darkened rooms, I didn't even realise I had a visitor.

"Ah, Severus." That voice, it was more than enough to sober me up, very quickly. "I was wondering how long you'd be." Light suddenly flooded the room, revealing the tall figure I had been silently dreading.

Falling quickly to my knees, I bowed my head. Trying desperately to focus my mind, I pushed thoughts of Remus away sharply. I couldn't risk those being discovered. Instead, I replayed Lily's smile, and the way everyone at the wedding had avoided me. The dull ache in my heart refused to fade, however.

"You love that mudblood?" I flinched, fighting back the relief that he assumed my heartache was for Lily. "There is just no accounting for taste."

"I'm sorry, my lord." He laughed. He laughed at my shaking voice. Taking joy in the pain written in my thoughts. Even though I could, I didn't dare try pushing him from my mind. It was too late now, he'd notice if I tried.

"Don't worry Severus," those words only shot fear through me. "I won't ask you to betray your love, I can already see you learnt nothing tonight." Bowing my head, I awaited my punishment.

Nothing came, just a soft pop, telling me I was alone once more. With him, the light left, abandoning me. I don't know how long I stayed in that darkness, tears falling to the ground before me.

When I awoke the next morning, I was painfully aware of two things. A hangover was _not_ worth the alcohol consumed the night before. And, I would have to harden my heart greatly if I didn't want a repeat of my last meeting with the Dark Lord. I would allow myself no more thoughts of Lupin, and no more feelings for him.

I kept that silent promise to myself for over a year.

* * *

><p>My hands were shaking. That's all I really knew. My hands were shaking, and I couldn't make them stop. They refused to still. Taking deep breaths did nothing, I just couldn't calm myself.<p>

A part of me noted an ache in my knees, from being pressed into the hard ground just that little bit too long. Other pains slowly made themselves known. A small bruise forming on my shoulder, where I had fallen on it, being thrown out the tavern. Older pains, from punishments long gone by, that never quite fade, dimly aware at the edges of my sense.

"This is very good Severus." I would have let the breath I had been holding out in a sigh, if I wanted to risk getting reprimanded for the sign of weakness. "This is very good indeed."

"I live to serve my lord." I let those words hang in the air for a moment, carefully thinking of what I'd say next. "May I ask, who you think the child is?"

"I suspect." He paused, as though lost in thoughts. "Can you imagine Severus, someone powerful enough to defeat me?"

"No, my lord." A face flashed in my mind, almost turning my words into a lie. If the Dark Lord saw such thoughts, I'd pay the price. "Not even Dumbledore-"

"Don't speak that name!" A wave of his arm, a flash of colour, and then nothing but pain. My body was on fire, all those dull aches brought to the surface, burning with renewed vigor. Agony, it was pure agony. I couldn't even find the breath to scream.

My hands spasmed, as my feet cramped with my toes curling. My arms seized up, the muscles bunching in the most painful ways possible. Stomach muscles tensed, as my insides roiled. It felt as though every meal I had ever eaten very suddenly, and very violently, wanted to escape my body via my mouth.

And then it was gone, as though it had never come. Fighting tears, fighting any sign of the torture he had inflicted, I kept my head bowed. Apologising would only result in another round of pain, maybe even longer. It was always a risk, staying silent could be seen as defiance, while talking would undoubtedly result in the wrong words.

"Leave." Not needing to be told twice, I stood as steadily as I could, fleeing. Hopefully I wouldn't be called on again for a while.

* * *

><p><em>Not Lily!<em>

It was a chant, my new mantra. My mind repeated the phrase again and again, those the only words to pierce the panic. It was a miracle I was able to leave the meeting without drawing attention to my feelings. I had barely made it home before there were tears on my cheeks.

I wasn't fool enough to believe Voldemort would keep his word. That _man_ would kill his own mother. I couldn't risk the life of my sister, not on such a flimsy promise. There was another option, there was always another option, but I couldn't trust myself to be brave enough.

_Not Lily!_

No, I had no choice. I'd do anything for Lily, anything to keep her safe. _Deep breaths Severus_. Taking a moment to wipe away a few stray tears, I turned on the spot, ready to beg for more than just Lily's life.

* * *

><p>They didn't trust me, I could see it, not that anyone tried to hide it. It was unsurprising, considering all they had to go on was the word of an old fool. <em>Manners, Severus.<em> I reminded myself, he had agreed to my request after all.

I was a spy now, telling both sides I was betraying the other. At times, _I_ didn't even know which side I was on. Feeding false information to one side, selling my soul to the other. All in the vain hope it would keep Lily alive.

It was naive of me to think she'd survive the war. I had spent so long trying to make myself forget we were on different sides, stopping myself from facing the fact that I ran the risk of having to kill her myself. Her and that damn werewolf, they were the only two I could never hurt. Some feelings I couldn't bury.

At first I was on lock down, held in custody. Voldemort thought I was gaining the trust of the Order of the Phoenix to feed him information. I knew, and the Order hoped, this was only half true. A constant guard watched over me. Watched me eat, watched me sleep, hell, I was lucky they didn't watch me use the bathroom. It was more than a little pointless, considering they had taken my wand.

Until a knock at my door gained my attention, pulling my head up from the book I had been allowed at the time, life was dull with the Order. I'm sure even Azkaban inmates have more freedom then I was given. My friendly neighbourhood guard had opened the door, admitting my unexpected visitor. I had wanted to point out visiting hours were over.

That conversation still hung in my mind, softly drifting about when I had too much time and not enough to think about. Certain words said for me to mull over, little hints to something I couldn't even begin to understand.

"_Hello, Severus." Usually, the way he tripped over my name would have amused me. He deserved to struggle with it, deserved to feel guilt. Or maybe the hitch was cause by anger. That was more likely, considering._

"_Lupin." __**No, not Lupin, **_**werewolf**_**. Beast**__. "Do your friends know you're here? Consorting with a Death Eater?"_

"_A Death Eater turned spy," I wasn't used to him smirking. The war had changed him, hardened him. A part of me felt saddened. "Yes, my friends know I'm here."_

"_What do you want?" Turning back to my book, I pretended to read in the hopes he'd leave me be._

"_Nothing you will give me." A part of me knew his choice of words was important, but I couldn't name why. "I'm here to tell you, you've earned Dumbledore's trust."_

"_And the rest of the Order?" __**Not that I care.**__ I tried to convince myself._

"_They still think you're a lying ass and a threat." That smirk really did rub me the wrong way, it just didn't belong on his face. "Don't worry though, Dumbledore's trust will protect you."_

So, here I was, sitting in a house with so many protection charms, a part of me thought it would crumble under their weight. Black was glaring at me, the only other member home. Both of us were itching to settle old scores, but simply couldn't.

"Waiting for your master's call _Snivellus_?" Black would never change. I chose to ignore him, mostly because he was right. I was waiting.

I was meant to be reporting in soon, delivering the information I was 'gathering'. My whole body was on edge, fingers twitching in my lap as my leg bounced. It was always like this, the wait before I was called. A part of me wondering if it would be a trip I wouldn't return from.

* * *

><p>A loud crash echoed through the house, probably waking anyone who was there. It was early, too early for any sane person to be up. That probably explained why I was still active. Suppressing a laugh that would hurt more than it was worth, I stumbled across the small lounge room, dodging the table I had already knocked over.<p>

I had barely taken two steps before the light switch was thrown. Raising my arm automatically to shield my unprepared eyes, I bit back a groan. I wasn't ready for light, I was barely ready to be breathing. It was amazing I was still on my feet.

"Severus?" It just had to be _him_, didn't it? "Merlin's beard, Severus, is that blood?" The light began to dim around me. _Did Remus turn it off?_ No, I realised the light was still on, I was just passing out. _I hope he catches me_.

When I awoke, I immediately wished I was dead. Pain that had been blocked by adrenaline was back, with a vengeance no less. Things like the softness below me, and the way my head was raised told me I was in a bed. My eyes refused to open, so I knew no more.

For a while there was nothing other than a murmured voice above me, and the slowly receding pain. Eventually, my eyelids listened to me, forcing themselves open. It took a while for my eyes to adjust, shapes slowly taking form in the bright light.

Dark walls were lit by a single lamp on a small table beside my head. Shadows danced, threatening to engulf my mind, my very soul. Magic hung thick in the air, so strong I could almost taste it on my tongue. It was like being back at Hogwarts, the magic had always been so potent there.

"Just like the old days." My voice sounded terrible, even to my own ears. It was so strained, as though I hadn't used it for weeks. "You were always there to take care of me, even though I never asked you to." I wasn't sure why I was talking, though I was willing to blame the chemicals being released in my brain to aid in fighting the pain.

"You never thanked me either." He sounded like the old Remus too, not the new, hardened, one. I missed that boy, shy and quiet, in a studious kind of way.

Always able to make me smile silently on the inside. A hidden smile I didn't even share with him. _Then he broke my heart, haven't smile much since then, have you Severus? _Even I wasn't safe from the cruel sadism of my mind.

"Thank you." There, that would make everything better between us, said my endorphin addled mind.. He just made a small noise in the back of his throat, completing his work. "I mean it, thank you." I had to get him to see, had to make him forgive me. _Shouldn't he be gaining my forgiveness?_

"I'll never understand you Severus." He didn't sound happy. "I'll never understand."

"I'm sorry." I don't think I had ever said that before in my life, and I meant it so honestly. I didn't even know what I was apologising for, but I was apologising nonetheless. My eyes were trained on his face, so I saw the way my words effected him.

I watched the surprise, and the way it turned to anger. Watched the emotion rise, then fall under his impeccable control. Then his control crumbled, leaving nothing. His face was completely blank, devoid of any emotion, and it scared me.

"Did I really break your heart?" I was expecting yelling, I was expecting insults. I wasn't expecting such a calmly asked question. Not _that_ question.

"Yes." Old hurts came rushing back, the memory floating to the surface. I could still see his face so clearly, the way it had contorted in shock and pain when I had spoken those truths.

"Did you really think I didn't care for you?"

"I knew you didn't care for me!" I couldn't control the anger, couldn't stop the hurt filtering through my words. "I meant nothing to you. I loved-" No, I wasn't going there, wasn't going to utter those words.

"What? You loved me?" Flinching, I physically pulled back, trying to burrow further into the soft mattress below me. "If you loved me, you would have said so."

"And have you rip my heart out? Have you do more damage then you already did?" There was too much pain, too much sadness between us. This conversation was doomed from the start.

"Why is it so hard to believe I couldn't, _didn't_, return those feelings?" He scoffed, and it was much like the smirk, in the sense that it didn't suit him.

"Fine." I spat the word out. "I love you, you stupid _animal_. I loved you, and you broke my heart."

What happened next, I could never have predicted. It was just like I remembered. The feel of his lips, the taste of his mouth, soft and sweet. A rustle, a sense of movement, and he was above me.

Hands, everywhere, searching, feeling, exploring. Everything I had kept pent up, every thought, every feeling, every dark little desire, was suddenly unleashed. The fury of years of heartache battered me, encouraging my every move.

His fingers were in my hair, caressing my head as though it was fragile, and more precious than life itself. My hands gripped his shirt, very much wanting the material gone. A flex of fingers, a slight twitch of muscles, a sharp jerking of arms, and buttons popped, flying across the room.

I felt him move, causing me to wrap my arms tightly around his waist. I wasn't going to let him go, not again. He fumbled, searching for something on the bedside table. The swish of a wand and a mumbled phrase into my neck was all the warning I had, before our clothes were gone. Probably folded neat in the corner, his shirt repaired, if I knew Remus at all.

Then there was just hands. Hand exploring, memorising one another through our finger tips. Lips, taking breath, sharing breath, tasting flesh. After so much pain, the pleasure was intensified.

Remus was everywhere, surrounding me. I could feel him over every inch of me, but it still wasn't enough. Even as we became one, it didn't feel like enough.

Every movement drove me wild, to the point where coherent thought was a thing of the past. I could see in his eyes, he felt the same. It went on forever, the pleasure. Until the world went white, and I feared I had blacked out again.

We lay there panting, wrapped in each others arms. My fingers travelled from his hair, down his back, feeling scars along his sides. More decorated his arms, mementos of his early days as a wolf. Lifting one of his arms, I littered lazy kisses along the raised flesh, slowly tasting it. He groaned in appreciation of my ministrations.

"I always knew," no, I wasn't ready for talking yet. Talking meant the moment was over, and I wasn't ready for the moment to be over. "I always knew you'd be my first, Severus."

"Get off me." He just had to ruin it. A bitter taste was left in my mouth, a heavy weight settling in my stomach. Those words were enough to destroy everything.

"What?" Seeing the confusion in his eyes almost undid me. His words echoed in my mind, taunting me.

"Get off me." I forced my voice to be stronger, harsher. "Get off me, and get out."

"Severus, why?" That same hurt face, the exact same look he had had all those years ago.

"I said," I tried to keep my voice calm. Feeling him push in closer to me, and I couldn't control my anger. "Get off me!"

I was wrong, it wasn't just the conversation that was doomed from the start. We were doomed. I was doomed.

* * *

><p>Lily was dead. Lily was dead, and the man I loved hated me. I knew I deserved it, knew the pain was because of the horrible things I had done. I took the job Dumbledore offered me, if only because I had nothing else. I'd work for him, teach the next generation of witches and wizards, if only to distract myself from what could have been.<p>

Voldemort had fallen, and little Harry Potter had lived. What was left of my heart died that night, knowing my oldest friend, my little _sister_, was gone from this world.

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><p><strong>AN:** So this took a lot less time then I thought it would, yay me. Kinda happy with how this is going, though I feel bad for torturing characters that aren't my own. Everything will get wrapped up in the next chapter, and then I shall try and think of the next thing to write. Happy readings ^.^


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I do not own :)

**Warnings:** Swearing, sexual themes and discussion of rape

**A/N:** I'd just quickly like to say, most of this was written/conceived at 3am, because I couldn't sleep. If it seems kinda lacking, that would be why. I would have spent more time and effort, and less walking zombie hours on it, if I thought I could (yay for story induced insomnia that makes me miss classes).

* * *

><p>"You know the funny thing about werewolves, Severus?" The words hung heavy in the air. Neither of us had expected a reunion, especially not one like this. "The funny thing about werewolves is, we mate for life. We can't just sleep with whoever we like and just forget it in the morning, we've got to carefully think it through so that we don't end up bonded to someone that doesn't want us."<p>

"What are you trying to say?" Panic ran through his voice. It was so sharp, I could almost taste it.

"What I'm saying is, I can never even hope to look at another because I was stupid enough to think you might love me." I had tried so hard to get over him, only to find every date I went on, every man I tried to form a connection with ended up making me think of Severus. My luna curse found new and inventive ways of screwing me over. "I'd kill you if I thought that would help, but I'm pretty sure that would just put me in permanent mourning."

"I'm sorry." his words only managed to anger me more. It was too late for apologies, especially when he didn't even fully understand what he had done. He hadn't just ruined me for other men, but effectively ensured I would obsess over him for the rest of my life. Because of one spur of the moment action, I won't ever know peace, unless by some miracle, I could make Severus mine.

"Yeah, whatever." Dragging my fingers through my hair, I took a deep breath. "I'm here to do a job, nothing else, so just stay out of my way." Stepping past the other man, I headed into the main hall, moving away from the darkness that lead into the dungeons.

* * *

><p>I had to force a smile, I was being welcomed after all. A few students applauded, though they were mostly those I had helped on the train. Of course Harry caught my eye, the boy, no, young man, a perfect blend of his parents. Watching his face made the constant ache of missing James flare. I wondered if Severus felt the same, seeing Lily's eyes day in and day out. <em>No, I will not think of him.<em> A pointless thought, as my mind never strayed too far from _that_ subject.

Just one year, maybe more if Dumbledore required, but I would do no more than my job. I would teach, impart knowledge and wisdom, and nothing more. I knew it was pointless to lie to myself, but lie I did.

As the feast progressed my eyes and mind wandered. More than once I caught Severus glaring at me. My thoughts travelled back to our earlier confrontation. I probably shouldn't have cornered him like that, he didn't really need to know about my little problem. But I had been pointlessly rash and told him. I tried convincing myself it was to let off steam, and it had made me feel better, but I knew it was because I wanted him to return my feelings. Had wanted him to take me in his arms, kiss me like he used to, and repeat the act that had sealed my fate as his.

Shaking my head at my own folly, I refused my thoughts. The ones currently dancing around my head were definitely not appropriate to be having at dinner, surrounded by children.

* * *

><p>The hard thing about avoiding someone you work with, is the fact that you can't really avoid them at all. This is made even harder again when they are the only person that can provide you with the potion that stops you from becoming a predator every month.<p>

The icing on the proverbial cake, however, was the fact that my wolf instincts become nearly overpowering so close to the change. Being alone in a room with my unwilling mate, at a time when my self control is lacking, can be a little scary. Even Severus could sense the tension in me, fleeing the first chance he got.

Sometimes it wasn't that simple though. Severus had been playing with the brew, seeing if he could stop the transformation completely, rather than just returning me my human senses. Because of this, he'd wait until he was sure I had consumed every last drop of the potion before leaving, running a critical eye over me for any immediate reactions that may occur.

I could never speak how hard it was for me, feeling him just out of reach. If I had my way, I would have avoided him completely before the full moon, the wolf instincts wreaking havoc. Just being in the same room as Severus was difficult, heightened senses picking up his scent.

Urges had to be fought, and thoughts pushed back. Desires were left wanting, slowly building into what could only be described as pure, animal need. I wasn't sure how much longer I could take this. Was I even able to trust myself alone with him?

It had only been a few months that we were working together, and I was already nearing my breaking point. Something had to be done. It was my obligation to at least warn him to stay away from me, if he truly didn't want me.

* * *

><p>Taking a deep breath, I squashed the butterflies floating in my stomach. Raising a hand to knock, I couldn't remember the last time I felt like this. Scared, nervous, vulnerable. The war had changed me, hardened me, yet the thought of rejection could still leave me a mess.<p>

"Enter." The word was elongated, spoken with a near arrogant drawl. Dark and alluring. _Keep your head on straight Remus._

"Severus, can I talk to you?" I poked my head around, quickly taking stock of the room.

It wasn't surprising his office was dark, just like the rest of the dungeons. It was even less surprising to see the walls plastered in shelves, carrying a wide variety of potion ingredients and books.

A large desk occupied most of the room, it's surface covered in parchment. Scrolls sat in neat little piles, obviously student work being graded. A particularly long sheet lay open before him, the tiny, yet impeccably neat, handwriting told me it belonged to one Hermione Granger.

Eventually I had no choice but to examine Severus himself. His dark eyes were focused on me, something written in them I couldn't comprehend. His hair was pulled back, tied messily at the nape of his neck. Strands of black fell across his face, escaping from where they had been tucked behind his ear, too short to make it to the ponytail.

"Is it important?" His gaze shifted back to the work before him, declaring me insignificant. "Full moon isn't for another two weeks. And I do believe it was you who said, what was it? Ah yes, 'I'm here to do a job, nothing else, so just stay out of my way'." He leveled a dark look at me, betraying more than he meant to. I saw the pain flash in his eyes.

"Severus, please." I stepped forward, though I couldn't name why. What was I going to do, try and hold him? He'd curse me before my fingers could even touch him.

"What Lupin?" His harsh tone cause me to flinch. "What could you possibly want now?"

"I just-" He cut me off.

"Just what?" Severus stood, knocking his chair back in his sharp movement. "Just want to give me that wide-eyed stare? Make the knife twist deeper? Remind me of what I can't have, remind me exactly how tainted I am?"

"Severus," I didn't understand. The situation was quickly spiraling out of my control.

"Don't say that." That dangerously soft tone, immediately after he had yelled at me, made me truly scared. "Don't say my name."

"Please," my feet moved me around the desk of their own accord. "Severus." Hands reached out, softly griping his shoulders, gently pulling him to me.

"No Lupin." He shoved, he pushed me away. "I won't let you waste yourself on me."

"What do you mean?" Couldn't he see I had no choice? I loved him, that would never change.

"Just get out."

* * *

><p>It was the day before the full moon, and I could feel it was going to be a bad one. I had craved nothing but raw meat. My whole body was on edge, like a constant adrenaline rush. I was dreading the moment Severus would come with my potion. I had been craving him too.<p>

A loud crack distracted me from my musings, my head jerking up. The small creature bowed, offering a still smoking potion as he did so. Taking it from the elf, I waited for him to straighten.

"Professor Lupin, sir, Professor Snape is unavailable to deliver your medicine, so he sent me, sir." The high pitched voice grated a little on my hyper sensitive ears, but I offered him a smile anyway.

"Thank you." I lifted the potion to my lips, trying desperately not to breath through my nose.

"He also said, to drink it all at once, and that it may make you faint." I drank as he spoke, finishing it before he was able to finish his warning. "He also said-" I didn't get to hear the last of his words, my world already turning black.

* * *

><p>It was morning. There were birds singing outside, I could hear them. Something didn't feel right, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. My eyebrows furrowed as I tried to think of what was amiss.<p>

"Ah, you're awake." The voice startled me, eyes snapping open. "It's about time." Severus continued, examining me carefully.

"What are you doing here?" Glancing around, I confirmed I was in my rooms. I was laying in my own bed.

"Did the house elf not tell you?" Confusion over took me for a moment, until memories of the day before began to slowly come back to me.

"He said I'd pass out," I couldn't help but laugh weakly. "Then I passed out. I hope I didn't scare the poor thing." Severus made a small noise, telling me he had heard my words. His eyes searched my form, as though trying to deduce something.

"How do you feel?" A strange question, but I assumed he had been playing with the potion again and wished to know it's effects. "Any pain?"

"No." Amazingly, my body felt fine. The usual post transformation pain was lacking. No bones felt like they were carefully glued together dust. No muscles felt too small. My whole body actually felt, good. "It's like I didn't transform at all."

"That's because, you didn't." Severus smirked, clearly quite proud of himself. "I wasn't sure if it would work, but I had my theories. I tweaked the potion enough that it would stop the transformation process completely. The wolf gene is suppressed, so that the full moon has no effect what so ever." That explained the odd feeling, the moon's pull was missing.

For the first time since I had been bitten, I didn't feel the pressure at the back of my mind. I didn't smell with a wolves nose, I didn't hear with a wolves ears. I felt human, and it scared me.

"The change can become permanent, if you keep taking the potion." He didn't notice my change in mood. "You could be free of it. Free of me."

"Is that why you did this?" I snapped, turning to him with anger in my eyes. "You did this to get rid of me?"

"I thought, you said, you didn't want to be-"

"Didn't want to be what? Tied to you? Mated to you?" A growl rose in my throat, proving I didn't need the wolf inside to vent my anger. Sitting up, I let the blanket I hadn't noticed fall from me. "You think I chased you, tried to talk to you, because I was simply succumbing to my instincts?"

I swung my legs off the bed, rising steadily to my feet. I didn't realise I was naked, and I couldn't say I cared. Severus eyed me warily, looking for any clue to my next move.

"I chose you, as my mate." Memories rose up, washing over me. The feel of Severus below me. The feel of Severus _inside_ of me. "I gave myself to you, freely. I did that because I loved you."

"And now? Do you still love me?" A sadness overcame Severus, tinging his voice with a subtle pain. "Because if you do, you really shouldn't."

"What right do you have to say that?" He flinched back, which only annoyed me more. "What? You're not right for me? I've loved you for longer than I'd care to admit. You're not good enough for me? You risked your life for a man you hated, and don't you dare say it was only for Lily, because you knew James would always share the same fate as her. Saving Lily meant saving James, and you knew it."

"You don't know me, don't know what I've done." He was backing away now, a movement I subconsciously followed.

"Then tell me." Before he could take another step, I pounced. Pushing him the last few steps to the wall. I pinned him there. "After all you've put me through, I think I deserve it."

"I can't." He turned his face from me, stubbornly staring at the floor.

"No, you will." The potion was wearing off, I could feel it. That little bundle of instincts I had had grown accustomed to over the years was back, and it was only fueling my fire.

Taking his shoulders in my hands, I effectively threw Severus across the room. Darting after him, I pushed him down onto the bed, quickly sliding my body over his. He was trapped beneath me. Memories stirred again, of another time we had been in this position, but I wouldn't let them distract me.

"Remus," the way he gasped out my name belied the fear I knew he was feeling. It sounded far too sensual for the situation. "Please don't make me do this. Please don't make me tell you."

"Why?" I snarled. "So you can just get up and leave? So you can break my heart all over again?

"We made love Severus, we made love and then you threw me out." I shook my head. "Maybe I was wrong, maybe we didn't make love. Maybe I was just a fuck to you."

"No, never." My eyes demanded more, demanded the explanation I needed. "It wasn't like that."

"Then what was it?"

"I just, I didn't deserve to be your first." A shaking hand reached up, brushing the side of my face. Despite my frustration, I couldn't help but lean into that touch. "You were always so innocent, always so pure, and I took that from you.

"I've done terrible things. I've killed, I've tortured, all for the Dark Lord. He used whatever he had to, to break us." Severus took a deep breath, eyes glistening with the beginnings of unshed tears. "It wasn't just physical torture. He'd find your deepest fear, and exploit it. He would order us to torture one another, to solidify hierarchy and to ensure our continued obedience. And then, when you finally proved your worth, finally became good enough to be called 'Death Eater', you were initiated.

"The ceremony itself was fairly quick. An oath of allegiance, the dark mark burned into your skin, and it was done. It was the unofficial after party that truly sealed your fate." He raised his eyes, his gaze trapping me for a moment. It was a challenge, he was telling me I had wanted to hear this, and once said, I couldn't turn back from it. "First, the Dark Lord would visit you, and ask you to swear your life to him, as though you hadn't given your soul only a few hours before. He'd then request your body, and you'd have no choice but to agree. Then the room would fill with Death Eaters, always at least five, and the real torture would begin.

"One by one, the new initiate would be taken. Needless to say Death Eaters aren't exactly gentle, and each would leave their own personal mark. Some would scratch, others would bite. But each would do something, marking the skin as they tarnished the soul." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "I had the honour of being initiated just after a meeting. Some Death Eaters go out of their way to be a part of the process, they enjoy shattering the new meat.

"I bled for days, and I wasn't allowed magical care. Once the deed was done, I started my work straight away, no time to rest and no time to heal." I wanted to hold him, but I knew I couldn't, not yet. "I swore to myself I'd never do the same to another person. I promised myself I wouldn't corrupt the way I had been corrupted. I wouldn't steal what I had stolen from me."

"You stole nothing from me." I understood now. He thought he had taken something important from me, he thought he had destroyed something sacred. "I gave myself to you."

"Why are you so determined to ignore my faults?" Tears were flowing down his face now. All I saw was a broken man before me.

There were no words I could utter to heal him, nothing I could say to ease his pain. Leaning down slowly, I kissed away his tears, tasting their salty tang. My lips started at his cheeks, cleaning them of sorrow. I placed gentle kisses on each of his eyes, then the centre of his forehead.

Trailing kisses down his jaw, I waited for any sign of rejection, any word that he wanted me to stop. Hovering above him, I awaited the answer to my silent question.

"Why do you want this?" I couldn't help but laugh.

"Severus," not being able to resist any longer, I placed a small kiss on his lips. "I love you, what more reason do I need?"

"I love you too." That was all I needed.

This time he met my lips half way, his body burning with the same need as my own. His fingers wove their way into my hair, pulling my head back to expose my neck. Lips traveled over my skin easily, consuming my soul as they went.

The world titled, and he was above me, hands pressed into my chest to steady himself. Peering up at those beautifully dark eyes, I felt my whole body melt. I was giving myself to him, and he was taking me. Severus was taking me, and loving me.

Our bodies moved as one, falling into a rhythm that set our nerves on fire. Nothing mattered except the form above me, claiming me completely. I wanted to prolong this moment, but I couldn't hold back anymore.

"Severus." I whispered in his ear, unable to find the strength to increase my volume.

"Remus." His pitch more than made up for my own quiet call, the yell coming out hoarse as he fell on top of me.

"Never leave me again." My hands moved of their own accord, one gripping his hip as the other clasped the back of his neck. "Never."

"Never." He agreed.

* * *

><p>I wasn't surprised Harry was angry. I wasn't even surprised I had had to quit my job. Parents wouldn't want a werewolf teaching their children. So when the young man demanded I stay, I could only chuckle.<p>

"Remus," Harry and I both looked up, our expressions vastly different. Harry eyed Severus with extreme distrust, even as I smiled gently at the dark eyed man. "May I talk to you?"

"Of course Severus." I turned to Harry, silently asking him to leave. For a long moment I thought he would refuse, but even he wouldn't stand in the way of the Potions Master.

"I'm so sorry Remus." Severus spoke as soon as Harry had left the room. "I did it out of spite. I was heart broken and selfish and wrong." Again, I chuckled.

"It's quite alright Severus." I moved forward to kiss him, but he backed away. _I hate it when he gets like this. _Sighing silently to myself, I crossed my arms over my chest. "I'm going to assume you want me to be angry at you, because you cost me my job." He opened his mouth to speak, but I held up a hand to stop him. "But you should know, that's not going to happen. I'm fine Severus. I'll just find a muggle job for a while."

"But they pay so little." Severus looked truly horrified at the prospect. "You need to live."

"I'm sure I can manage to survive. I have friends who will be willing to put up with me for a while."

"No."

"What?"

"I said, no." Severus looked determined. "You'll come live with me."

"Severus, I don't know if our relationship is ready for that." Honestly, the thought of living with the man was thrilling.

"Remus, you said so yourself, werewolves mate for life." He smiled softly, pulling me into his arms. "If I'm stuck with you for life, I may as well start enjoying it."

"Are you sure?" I murmured into his neck, feeling any resistance draining from my body.

"Of course. Besides," I heard, more than saw the wicked grin that stretched across his face. "we can share our love in every room, on every surface." His chuckle rumbled through his chest, vibrating through to my heart. I could feel his arousal at the thought, my own body reacting to the possibilities.

"Maybe, we can say goodbye to my office, together?" I gave him, what I hoped to be, a seductive look. Apparently it was, because I was very suddenly sitting on what was once my desk.

While our relationship would never be perfect, it would be exactly what we needed. There would be pain, there would be fighting, and there would be years hadn't been kind to us, and we had changed drastically from the teenagers we had once been, though one thing was always constant. We were exactly what the other needed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I'm actually a little sad this is over. This took much of my effort, as I didn't sleep well at all until I got the idea out. Hopefully it has been enjoyed, and I can get a good nights sleep before the next idea comes knocking around my mind.


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